Disentangling from Outcome Culture

The first time I danced with a meditation practice, it disguised itself as a theater warm up.

I was performing in the play Oleanna by David Mamet at a tiny theater in Chicago. The play is grueling, filled with monologues that doubled and tripled back on each other. A single moment of distraction could get you lost in an endless sea of repetition or, even worse, skip 20 minutes ahead in the script.

To help my fellow actor and I focus, our director would spend 30 minutes or so backstage guiding us through a warm up. Much of this consisted of stretching, vocal gymnastics, and other theater stuff. But at the end, he had us face the pockmarked wall of the theater and find a tiny point that attracted our attention.

For 10 minutes, we would focus on this single point. A small irregularity on the wall. We would enter into that point and find the space within ourselves that resonated with it. Breathing deeply, we would feel connect with the essence of the wall, slow our heartbeats to a new rhythm, and find a deep well of Presence within.

Years later, I recognized the state I reached with that wall backstage as transcendent, borderline ecstatic, deep presence. I also recognized that the focus of the exercise wasn’t the exercise itself, but rather the outcome: a solid, or at least serviceable, performance for an audience.

When I sought out a meditation practice a decade or so later, it was also with an outcome in mind: to Feel Better.

I mindfulnessed, breathworked, and worked with plant medicines not out of a desire to explore the practices in and of themselves, but rather in an effort to escape inner tension.

Or to Find My Purpose.

Or to get better at My Job.

Over time, I became aware of just how attached to outcomes I was, not just in meditation, but in every aspect of my life. And the more of this outcome fixation I uncovered, the more I realized that it had been baked in the structure that had surrounded and educated me throughout my life.

Grades in school.

Reviews of plays I was in.

Evaluations at work.

Each and every context I found myself in had an objectively measured outcome and everything I did, from reading to exercise, was tied to that outcome. All of that striving didn’t leave a ton of space for simple enjoyment.

So I set out on an adventure: how could I disentangle from the Culture of Outcomes and recalibrate my inner compass to navigate in a more aligned and joyful way?

Exercise

Connect with a place in your life where you feel attached to an outcome. It could be work, a hobby, or a project that you’ve been working on.

In your imagination, take the outcome off the table. There’s no possibility of success. So if you’re gardening, the garden will never bloom. You’ll never get that promotion.

Notice how your body responds to that imagined future.

Do you feel yourself retract from the process or activity? Do you experience a sense of opening or relief?

If you experienced a retraction, see if you can identify another activity that brings you a sense of expansiveness, grounding, or flow without needing an outcome.

Once you have connected with this activity, really explore it. Allow yourself to experience, in your imagination, the nuances of engaging with the activity in all of its specificity.

If, for example, the activity you land on is gardening, you might imagine the feeling of the soil between your fingers. The weight of the seeds in your hand. The experience of seeing the soil darken as you water the seeds.

Notice how your body, mind, and spirit respond to this imaginative journey.

See how much you can allow yourself to become absorbed in the flow of the activity, even in your imagination.

How does this change your perception of time’s unfolding?